Hello internet!
I'm in a bit of a crappy mood, so I decided to have a rant (despite the fact that most of my friends will probably read this anyway)
I don't know, maybe that's why I'm doing this, cos I want to rant at them but wouldn't like any confrontation. I am using the internet as a shield, how brave am I?

Why wouldn't i like any confrontation? I don't bloody know. I usually don't mind it, hey today I was so grumpy I lobbed a lever arch file at someone's face. that was a low moment, I dont like violence.
I guess I dont want any confrontation at the moment because I'm so worried about offending any of my friends. Again, sounds odd if you know how much i enjoy witty banter and cutting sarcastic wit. No, I'm afraid of *actually* offending them. they know what I'm like they can live with the jokes and stuff cos it's all in jest, right? What I'm worried about is if I actually start doing the whole bitchy complaining thing to them they'll get annoyed at me or something, and I can't lose them.

I just can't.

Anyways, what would I be complaining about? well they've probably heard it all before; I feel lonely, underappreciated, pretty much the world's second choice. I'm nobody's preference. Hell, even I'm getting annoyed at hearing it. I know, when I'm in a bad mood I'm a whiney crybaby, thats why I dont want to annoy my friends with it. Ok, but why am I in a bad mood all of a sudden? well I have mood swings. usually nohing that serious, they're often just annoyances, but rarely they'll be a big one like I'll break down sobbing mid conversation, or get violently enraged randomly during a chat or something. whatever, today I swung to being quite down in the proverbial dumps, and unfortunately no one did anything to help swing me back. probably not their fault, how're they supposed to know how I feel? I mean apart from the obvious moping but everyone's used to that, I'm "the sad one".

it's little things that worsened my mood. I've noticed that if I'm sat with someone, not really having a super-enthralling conversation and someone else obviously more interesting is nearby, my friend will literally get up and sit with the intersting person without a word to me. fair enough, I'm a boring depressing person to be around, but jeez that cuts me up. feels like a slap right across the face... jeez..
another thing I've noticed, i always start any engagement. like, conversations, I always have to go up to someone else and say the first word. no one comes up to talk to me, I worry sometimes that if i didnt make the effort they'd just sort of forget about me..like I'm furniture or something..

I always ask other people for hugs, no one hugs me.
except one girl.
today her book was more important.

It never used to be like this. I used to have a girlfriend (who's probably reading this) things didnt work out though... well thats what I was told... At least when we were going out someone always wanted to know about me, y'know? like..I felt someone always cared? guess that sounds stupid, but I miss that... Do I want another girlfriend? Christ, I don't know. i don't think so, I think I just want to stop feeling so goddamned lonely. A gf would probably cause more problems than she would solve to be honest. I seem to mess people up, mess myself up, and the situation resolves with general resentment anything ever happened. That's the thing, I'm so desperate not to damage what fragile little comforts I have I daren't take any risks. I'm holding onto my little paper-glass comforts so hard I can't grab the rope and swing off into the unknown. the really sad thing is, I'm clumsy and the paper-glass is starting to crack between my stupid fingers. that just makes me screw my eyes closed tighter and hold onto them even harder.

Look at me, I'm such a whiner. If anyone's bothered to read down to here I'm so sorry for wasting your time.

I love you.

now I'm off to check my ever-empty inbox, sit with my ever-silent phone, and really wish tomorrow I won't be this pathetic.
I'm sorry for everything.
I'm so sorry